Buried Planet

An earthquake releases thousands of prehistoric piranha into a lakeside resort town's waters. Naturally, it happens during spring break -- and a whole lot of T&A is about to get schooled. Starring Elizabeth Shue as the town's sheriff, Ving Rhames as her stalwart deputy, Jerry O'Connell in a hilarious turn as a softcore pornographer shooting a 'Girls Gone Wild' -style video and hundreds of scantily clad babes.

If Piranha 3D were a person, it would be a naked, fat, sweating, hairy man sunning himself in a vinyl lawnchair eating a pepperoni Hot Pocket while making lewd jokes. And then when someone looks askance at him, he would reply, with glee, "What a delightful pig I am!" and laugh, punctuating his statement by taking a monstrous bite out of the Hot Pocket and then slathering on more tanning oil.

This film has T&A in almost every scene, and when the gore starts and the hotties start falling into the jaws of the prehistoric nasties, the gore ranges from laughable (people with their lower extremities skeletonized) to gut-wrenching (a woman with her hair trapped in a propeller blade).

Barney Ross (Stallone) runs a mercenary group known as The Expendables, a band of brothers who are hired by a mysterious Mr. Church (an uncharacteristically humorless Bruce Willis) to infiltrate a South American country and assassinate the banana republic's cocaine-growing tyrant, General Garza.

While doing some recon work in the country, Ross realizes that something isn't right -- his team is being used. They drop the job but Ross is moved when their contact, the General's gutsy daughter Sandra (Giselle Itie), refuses to escape with them and is now likely being tortured for information. Ross decides that he's a mercenary with a heart of gold and rides to her rescue, with his brothers-in-arms in tow, natch.

Reckless NYPD supercops Danson and Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson) fight crime in Lethal Weapon-style: ramming one Dodge Charger after another through double-decker tourist buses, diving through plate-glass windows and firing off one-liners like "someone dial 9-1-what-the-f***-was-that!?" Afterwards they bask in the glory of a grateful city -- so grateful that a hot dog vendor suddenly declares, "Free hot dogs for life!.... no, no free drink."

Deep in their shadows are NYPD detectives Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg), known by all as the 'Yankee Clipper' for costing the Yankees a championship win, and Allen Gamble (Will Farrell), who would rather chase down unlicensed scaffolding erectors than chase a criminal. They're not heroes, they're the other guys -- and the non-dynamic duo get their chance at supercop glory when they investigate the kidnapping of a corrupt Wall Street financier.