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The movie starts out in the mid 1500's, when a Scottish weapons manufacturer is tortured for selling weapons to both sides of a conflict. After he declares that killing him won't stop his sons, or their sons from exacting revenge, the agents of the crown declare that they won't be executing him. Instead, he will be punished for his double-dealing by having a molten metal mask applied to his face.

I find that this is generally what can be expected from Scottish people.

We cut to current day NATO headquarters, where the manufacturer's descendant is marking the debut of his newest weapon design -- a nano-weapon which sends microscopic nanomachines to devour tanks, planes, buildings, anything. The greenish nano-goop is loaded into prototype missiles and placed in a convoy of soldiers tasked with delivering them safely. Heading up the convoy team is 'Duke'  and his sidekick 'Ripcord' (played by Marlon Wayans, you know the dopehead guy from all the 'Scary Movie' films) who is a demolitions and comedic relief specialist. A recurring joke is that Ripcord keeps trying to get Duke to join the Air Force with him. Ripcord remarks about having passed the entrance exams, etc. Duke says he likes being on the ground, you know, 'in the fight'. He's just a tough guy, you know?

Their convoy is attacked by a futuristic aircraft lead by the buxom 'Baroness' (Sienna Miller), who, it turns out, was to be wed to Duke four years ago. How she ended up going from being the fiance of a jarhead to a duchess-slash-super-terrorist in just four short years is explained later. (COBRA must have an associates degree program of some kind.)

Duke is able to take the weapons back with the help of some 'Joes', but he refuses to give the case to them, seeing as his men were killed in the attack and it was his job to deliver them. From there we're brought to 'The Pit', a secret underground lair of the G.I. Joes -- an elite force of soldiers from all over the world. It's got everything -- a huge underground aquatic arena used to train Joes in underwater warfare, jets, digital camouflage suits -- it's an Aladdin's Cave of destructive toys. It was strangely reminiscent of Team America's lair, but played completely straight.

There's a slickness to the entire film that stays in tune with the original show -- the women all wear body armor that, eh, how to put it... 'lifts and separates'? Remember the vinyl outfits from the Batman movie with George Clooney? That's what the costumes look like -- all padded abdominal muscles and hypertrophied deltoids. I'm not complaining about how the women look, I'm just pointing it out. They actually look like action figures.

One area in which the movie departs from the original series is how violence is portrayed. In the opening sequence the convoy's aerial escorts are shot by the Cobra vehicles in spectacular fashion. They are struck by lasers of some kind, just as their pilots says, 'Uh-oh.' -- and then explode. No 'chutes are seen.

The original show didn't really end up getting anyone killed. The villains' vehicles generally just crashed or exploded, but they always walked away to shake their fists in impotent rage on the next episode. Not so in this outing.

Dennis Quaid makes an appearance as 'General Hawk', leader of the Joes, in the most cliched manner possible, putting on the best baritone, barrel-chested delivery possible. I couldn't help but imagine Randy Quaid in the role instead, it would have been priceless. Quaid seems almost embarassed to be here. After giving Ripcord and Duke the nickel tour, they demand to become Joes. After some macho crap they begin the 'training montage' -- which features even more macho crap.

The most interesting 'Joe' is 'Snake Eyes' -- a great white ninja who never speaks (no bad dialogue, woo!) and is ridiculously skilled. Duke and Snake Eyes spar with quarterstaves ala American Gladiator and Duke is repeatedly trounced but keeps on demanding another round. Hilariously, Duke eventually just drops his quarterstaff weapon and tackles Snake Eyes. One Joe marvels, "I've never seen anyone land a punch on Snake Eyes..."

I'm no soldier, but really, would professional soldiers be impressed if the new guy were to suddenly turn a sparring match into an Ultimate Fighting match? It's like playing chess, losing, and then hitting your opponent across the head with the board. Nonetheless, Snakes Eyes gives Duke a silent thumbs up after being tackled. I like to think he was misunderstood, and was suggesting something else with his thumb. Next time I lose a tennis match I'm going to tackle my opponent to the ground and then inform them that we're having a sumo match instead.

It turns out that the Scottish weapons manufacturer who invented the nanotech weapon actually planned the convoy attack. He just used NATO to provide the funding and was working for COBRA all along. A traitorous Scottish man, who would have thought! I'm kidding of course -- I'm thinking of the French. But no, he's Scottish, sorry.

Anyway, the Joes turned off the weapon case's tracking device before they brought it to the HoneyComb Hideout, but the weapon designer appears as a hologram and asks to inspect it, and asks the Joes to enter a special passcode. They are attacked by The Baroness and COBRA agents shortly thereafter. Ripcord (remember, the Wayans brotther) points out that maybe the Scottish guy gave them a code to reactive it! Duke replies, "See? And people say you're not smart..."

Notice kids -- don't listen to friends who say you're not smart. You are smart. Maybe. Except if your last name is 'Wayans'. Anyway, the COBRA agents cause much havoc at the Joes not-so-secret hideout, and make off with the nano-weaponry.

Now, at this point I've been fighting to keep my brain alert, trying not to gloss over, and then one of the Joes remarks that COBRA plans on using the nano-weapon on a major city. I'm still not that excited.

Duke: "They're going to use the weapon in Paris."

It was at that moment that I declared this movie suddenly great. Normally that sort of reversal on a film verdict requires women dancing in their underwear, polar bears using samurai swords or a time-traveling Abe Lincoln. But I'll take Paris being eaten by nanites. Specifically, the Eiffel Tower is targeted. Now it gets even more like 'Team America' in the sense that the Joes completely demolish most of Paris while trying to stop the evil COBRA agents. Mimes run shrieking and baguettes are broken during a very exciting chase through the streets of Paris.

I confess to jumping up and down on my couch shouting, "GO COBRA! GO COBRA! GO COBRA!"

The COBRA agents don't seem to use a lot of covert techniques to achieve their goals, by the way. Most of their missions end up feeling like poorly-planned bank heists. But the action sequences are exciting, kinetic, and the Joes get some cool toys. Duke and Ripcord are outfitted with these weird 'super-suits' that allow them to run very fast, and jump around a lot. Which they do. A lot.

Paris, alas, survives the attack, but the frogs are badly shaken. They do manage to arrest the Joes who managed to save the city, so at least they put the next city at risk. They are allowed to leave prison on the promise that they never return (to save Paris) again. I would have said, "Where do I sign, Jean-Claude?!" I should point out that the sole French Joe (snicker) is the 'computer expert guy' and is singularly nonplussed when he is banned from his own country.

Thanks, France, for sending an IT guy to the world's 'elite fighting force'. I'll bet this guy used a really big piece of French bread as a quarterstaff. The near-destruction of Paris was the high point of the film for me. Afterwards we get to see a massive Joe attack on COBRA's underwater headquarters, we see the evil Scottish guy turn into 'Destro' -- the liquid-metal-faced badguy from the television series, and the Baroness and Duke patch things up and then team up for the finale.

Also included is the obligatory 'Homeboy-Flys-The-Super-Jet-Plane' sequence that you've seen in 'Independence Day' (Will Smith: "I gotzta git me one a deze!"), and 'Stealth'. Ripcord uses a COBRA high-tech jet fighter to cirumvent the globe and shoot down warheads. Of course, the Scottish people manage to get in the way -- the plane only responds to verbal commands spoken in Scottish.

To those who care about such things, 'Cobra Commander' appears very briefly. You sort of see his origin story (which is lame) and no, he never hisses out 'COBRRRRAAAA!!!!' at any point in the film.

At the end the badguys -- 'Destro' and 'Cobra Commander' are captured and placed into cute little cylinders and sort of 'filed away' -- apparently Guantanamo was closed by this point. No interrogation, nothing. The COBRAs have an ace in the hole by the film's end, however, leaving plenty of room for a sequel.

All in all, the film doesn't seem like the sort of franchise-reboots we saw with 'Batman Begins' and 'Dark Knight' or the 'Iron Man' film. It doesn't seem directed so much at adults, although adults will enjoy the action sequences. No, this film was designed to reboot toy sales. And in that regard I think you can expect at least one more movie.