Glitter

Mariah Carey is herself (or a reasonable facsimile) in 'Glitter' -- the story of a girl who becomes a star through the sheer magnitude of her incredible singing talent. The film follows the main character 'Billie' as she starts as a backup singer for a sexy (though talentless) female singer. When a local DJ named 'Dice' (*groan*) realizes that Billie's producer has his talentless female star lip-synch to Billie's voice, he tries to become her new producer ... and also her boyfriend.

Before too long, Billie and Dice go on their very first 'date' -- afterwards they go back to Dice's apartment and have sex. The next morning, Billie says, "I don't do this." Which is funny, because, technically ... she just did. Of course, with Dice's help she quickly becomes a local club sensation, and from there her meteoric rise begins. Naturally, Dice becomes overprotective and jealous. When Billie's new financial backers insist that she wear skimpy outfits in her new music video, and when the video's foreign-born director insists 'I vant to see de breasts more!' Dice becomes concerned. Billie looks uncomfortable as male dancers gyrate beside her, and fondle her. Dice gallantly grabs her and they leave the set.

Billie is upset by this, as it could hurt her career. Dice thinks she should have a classier look -- which is completely laughable because the 'Extras' on the DVD has a video of Mariah Carey dressed in nothing but hotpants and a bandanna holding her chi-chis in place, bumping and grinding! I wouldn't make these sorts of real-life-to-screen comparisons if 'Glitter' weren't so obviously egotistically semi-autobiographical. Billie never has any serious shortcomings of her own, she doesn't cause any of the plot conflicts -- she's just super-talented, beautiful, and things happen to her. She's completely flawless in all ways, so how can the viewer possibly relate?

Another funny part of 'Glitter' is the addition of her two 'fly-girl' friends, who backup her singing and dancing, and provide much of the intentional comedic relief. They're delightfully low-class; sort of a Latino version of 'Laverne & Shirley'. When Dice produces some music for Billie, but the financial backers hate all his work, he is supremely crestfallen. And this is the pathos of being Mari- I mean, Billie: no one around her is nearly as talented, and they inevitably become jealous and crazy. When Dice and Billie separate, her meteoric rise continues, she starts creating new music with a hunky male musician (whom she idolized before her rise) and Dice festers.

But there's a problem! Seems Billie's old producer (the one who used her voice to sub in for his talentless singer) made a deal with Dice -- $100,000 to get Billie out of her old contract, which Dice never paid. Dice refuses to pay it, fighting ensues, and in the end, Billie stays apart from Dice. In his incredible sorrow (while she's very happy) he writes a song for her. When Billie goes back to his apartment she reads it, plays a bit, and then kisses the pages and leaves him a ticket to her latest show in Madison Square Garden. Before Dice can get to the show, however, the evil former producer shows up and shoots him dead on the street. Mari- er, Billie, learns about this just as the show is about to go on, and though she's upset, she gets on stage anyway and sings her heart out! The End.

So really, this movie shows that if you've got incredible talent you can expect to have people use you, become jealous and then get killed -- but you must keep singing. Also, Billie finds her long-lost mother at the very end of the film, who put her up for adoption when she was a child. So not only will you lose people as you pursue your dreams, there will always be new people to meet, so don't worry.

For a really, really hysterical treat watch this movie with the director's commentary on. As the film progresses he sounds as though he didn't really even recall making the film. Maybe he blocked out the memory of it? About one scene he says, "This scene was... uh...  um... it was important. Mariah insisted on it." And then we're on to the next scene! Did he think the scene was worth keeping? It sounds like he would have cut it, but Mariah wouldn't have it! He also does a lot of 'umm'-ing and 'ahh'-ing, as someone who is asked to critique one of their own turds (while remaining serious) might do.

All in all, I have to say that Mariah Carey does have an incredible voice, and she is very talented, but this film is so egotistical and bubble-gum superficial that it comes off as a parody. The most glaring examples of this is the 'sell-out' subplot. Billie has to make decisions about her career that hurt others (Laverne & Shirley are replaced by other, more professional backup dancers) and she becomes surrounded by stereotypical 'sellout' phonies -- the hyperactive personal assistant and her toadie, the vaguely lecherous producers, etc.

There is meant to be some soaring dignity in her resistance to the commercialization of her image --  but then, we can see that in Mariah's work, so, what's the point? If you're going to mock the music industry 'phonies', first make sure you're not guilty of it yourself! If you're a huge Mariah Carey fan, Glitter will not disappoint. If you're looking for a real musical hero movie, go rent 'Purple Rain' instead. If you're looking for a really unintentionally funny movie, then this is it.