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Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?"

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think "Hey, what's for supper?"

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you are swimming."

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