"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?"
"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."
"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot."
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think "Hey, what's for supper?"
"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."
"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."
"It's too bad that whole families have been torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."