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Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?"

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think "Hey, what's for supper?"

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"It's too bad that whole families have been torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."

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