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Quotes by Jack Handy

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think "Hey, what's for supper?"

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?"

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"One things kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no", I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I thought that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that."

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy

"It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that is all you give them. Man, wise up."

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