Quotes by Jack Handy

"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot."

"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think "Hey, what's for supper?"

"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."

"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?"

"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."

"It's too bad that whole families have been torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."

"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."

"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_?!"

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."